Welcome Back To L!FE !!!

• Illiterate? Write For Help
• Honk If Anything Falls Off
• Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
• He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit
• I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
• You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
• I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
• Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
• If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
• Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
• If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
• Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph
• Guys: No Shirt, No Service! Gals: No Shirt, No Charge!
• If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
• Boldly Going Nowhere
• If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
• The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop or gum) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room, until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around, asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you are calling just as he or she answers.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• If you have to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and will never achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
• There's a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle as His messenger.
• You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
• No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• Never lick a steak knife.
• Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
• "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.