Welcome Back To L!FE !!!

• Cat: The Other White Meat
• Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
• Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
• Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
• How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
• If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets
• Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
• Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
• My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
• Grow Your Own Dope - Plant A Man
• All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
• So you're a feminist... Isn't that precious
• I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
• Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

The proctologist called... they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.

Save your breath -- you'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me."

Heart Attacks: God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!

Welcome to America... now speak English!

• I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
• Sometimes I just want to be held.
• That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
• We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
• Screw Monday Night Football! Let's watch Lifetime.
• I think we're lost. Let's pull over and ask for directions.

26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do not want an honest answer to the question, "How do I look?"

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that.) PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

32. The first naked man women see is "Ken."

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast size.

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have five pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have five pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels."

41. Women want equal rights, but they rarely want the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

42. Only women understand the reason for "the good china."

43. If a man ticks off a woman, she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover that warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up, thus it constantly gets peed on by guys (which gets them in more trouble).

44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt-leap toward the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.

48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, but you don't see straight men dancing together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh my God, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"

1. Your woman says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
2. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
3. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
4. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
5. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
6. "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
7. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
8. An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand."

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rainforest.

16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days' worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair before bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea of how she'll be in bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: modeling.

21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible." Hmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.