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Four mothers are in a psychologist's office having a group session. The session ends with the following conclusions:
The psychologist turns to the first mother and says, "You have an obsession with food because you named your daughter Candy."
He turns to the second and says, "You have an obsession with money because you named your daughter Penny."
He turns to the third and says, "You have an obsession with alcohol because you named your daughter Brandy."
He turns to the fourth mother, but before he could say anything, the mother stands up, grabs her son's hand and says, "Come on, Dick, let's go!"

1- It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2- It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3- It is important to find a woman that enjoys having sex.
4- It is important that these three women never meet.

One day, a kindergarten teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.......... What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!.......... Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you.......... have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.......... After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion in my life.......... I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......... that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,.......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married.......... but not to you."

"You look great for your age.......... Almost lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.......... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time.......... What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you.......... It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.......... Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.......... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.......... So we're having you put to sleep."

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

6. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

8. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

9. You have no life between August and June.

10. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

11. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

12. You wonder how some parents ever managed to reproduce.

13. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

14. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

15. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "never dream" of doing your job.

16. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

17. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

18. You want to choke a person when he or she says, "Oh, you must have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."

19. Meeting a child's parent(s) instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"